Valentine's Dance/Transcript
Big City Community Center, parking lot (Episode title appears on a heart-shaped balloon; the Greens approach the center dressed in formal wear.) Cricket: I can't believe we're all goin' to this mushy Valentine's Dance! Nancy: Oh, come on, Cricket. Love is in the air. Bill: That's right, and I love my veggies! They're gonna be a big hit at the snack table! Tilly: That's beautiful, Papa. I support love in its many forms. Gramma: Not me! Back in my day, you didn't dance until you were married, and you danced in the dark with your eyes closed! Cricket: Well, I ain't dancin' with nobody, and that's that. Gymnasium (They enter the gym. Various couples are dancing, mingling and having fun.) Cricket: Eww! Are those heart balloons? If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom, throwin' up. Tilly: (stops) Oh. (She approaches a statue of Cupid with a bow and arrow.) Tilly: Ah, Cupid...bringing people together with his magical arrows of love...if only I could have such a noble callin'! (now it hits her) If only... (She takes the bow, arrow, and satchel from the statue.) Tilly: Tonight, my mission is clear. I shall make some lucky soul fall in love! Dance floor Cricket: (muttering to himself) Sheesh, I ain't seen that much corn since that silo collapse. (He approaches Remy, Weezie and Benny.) Remy: Cricket! Over here! Cricket: Guys! I didn't know you were gonna be here! Remy: Yeah, I tried calling your house to tell you I was coming, but no one answered. Cricket: Yeah, sorry about that, our phone broke again. Green's house, hallway (Flashback: Gramma angry at someone over the phone.) Gramma: STOP CALLIN' ME! (She breaks the phone in half; flashback ends.) Community center, dance floor Weezie: Y'all ready to hit the dance floor? Benny: I wanna boogie! Remy: Are you gonna ask a girl to dance? Cricket: Ho-ho...Remy, Remy, Remy. Dancin' with a girl is the gateway to fallin' in love. And I don't want nuthin' to do with that. (Shows the various couples making out and being romantic.) Cricket (OS): Love takes away your freedom and makes y'all mushy and gushy. Love makes a strong man weak. (back to him) Love gives ya nuthin' and takes away everything. It's better to just be dudes enjoying boy stuff, havin' friend adventures forever! (Sees the two guys from "Barry Cuda" dancing) Like those two dudes. Blue man: Terry! Cricket: Tonight, it's just us guys, SO LET'S GET OUR DANCE ON! (The boys all begin to dance and cheer.) Weezie: Shakin' my tail feather with ma' homies. Near snack table Bill: Thanks for lettin' us help out, Community Sue. Community Sue: Oh no, thank YOU! After all, we rely on volunteers, because we have no money! You -- you'll be manning the snack table. Bill: All right, guys. Do what you were born to do. Community Sue: (at Nancy) And you -- I'm puttin' you in charge of chaperone duty! Nancy: Sure thing. Gramma: Nancy? Chaperoning? She's the last person who should be in charge of a bunch of excitable kids! Make me a chaperone, too! Community Sue: Okay, you can both be chaperones, because I do not care! Normally, I'd be coaching swim class, but tonight... (puts on louvered sunglasses) OHHHH, DJ SUE IS HERE TO DROP THAT BEEEEAAAAAT! (She starts playing an intense tune; the guests cheer.) Dance floor Cricket, Remy, Benny, Weezie: BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! Blue girl: (taps Cricket's shoulder) Uh...excuse me? Cricket: Uh-oh, fellas! Intruder alert! Cricket, Remy, Benny, Weezie: INTRUDER! INTRUDER! Blue girl: Well...my friend just asked me to ask you if...you wanna dance with her? (The girl's friend turns around; she is deep-pink skinned with dark purple hair in a braid, and is dressed very fancy like. Cricket sees her and blushes, the view becomes all pink and sparkly with bubbles as if he's touched by her appearance.) Cricket: Wha-huh...?! Pink girl: Hey, I'm Gabriella. What's your name? Cricket: (mesmerized) My name is...Gabriella... Pink girl (Gabriella): (chuckles) Okay. I saw you across the gym, and was...wondering if you'd like to dance with me? Cricket: Me? Dance with you? Well...I uh-uh-uh-uh... Remy: Come on, Cricket! Turn her down! Guys forever! Benny: Yeah! Break her heart! Cricket: Yeah...yeah! Gabriella, I -- I... (He is entranced by her appearance and cannot finish the sentence; he goes red in the face.) Cricket: I...I will be...right back...! (buzzes like a robot and reverses; falls) Ah! Oof. Behind bleachers (He makes a run for it.) Cricket: Agh!! W-w-what's happenin' to me?! (He bumps into Gloria nearby.) Gloria: Hey! Watch where you're going! Cricket: Gloria? What are you doin' here? Gloria: I'm waiting on...Kevin to get here. He is so cool. Cricket: Wow, Gloria. You really sound like you're in love. Gloria: Heck, yeah. Cricket: Hey, ya...how do you know if you're -- (fake coughs) -- in love? Gloria: Oh, you'll know because it's a swirl of emotions. Your heart beats fast, you sweat all the time, you're riddled with self-doubt, and YOU SECOND-GUESS EVERYONE YOU THOUGHT!! ("Thought" echoes out) Cricket: That's exactly what I'm goin' through! Somethin' weird happened when I saw this girl! It's like, I don't wanna dance with her, but then I look at her, and I do wanna dance with her, but I don't think she's cute enough and I'm -- ! (drops to the ground and retches) Gloria: (a bit teasingly) Ohhhh...does somebody have a crush? Cricket: No...nono, don't say that! Don't say that!! (backs away) Gloria: Pffft! Amateur. (starts putting on makeup) I had my first panic attack when I was like, half his age. (She suddenly gets hit with an arrow out of nowhere ruining her lipstick.) Ceiling girders Tilly: Bullseye! Now to spread more romance! (Arrows hit dancing couples everywhere.) Tilly: Fly straight and true, sweet arrows! Give everyone the gift of -- love? (The guests are angered and annoyed from the arrows hitting them below.) Male guest: See? Hate! Tilly: My arrows haven't made even one person fall in love? I must consult a higher power. Near exit (She approaches the Cupid statue from before, bathed in heavenly light.) Tilly: Oh, guardian of romance! I was selfish. I wanted to be the one to choose who falls in love! Forgive me, Cupid! And bless this arrow! (The statue's eye twinkles.) Tilly: I will not disappoint you. (runs off) Dance floor (A teen couple is slow dancing.) Purple girl: I like, like you. Blue boy: (flips his hair) Whatever. Gramma: (appears between them) TOO CLOSE! Guh...get back, you! (the blue boy starts to back up) Further! (He reverses so much he leaves right through the door.) Gramma (OS): Further...FURTHER! Purple girl: I like, can't even see him anymore! Big City, sidewalk (The blue boy still backs up; a payphone rings, and he answers it.) Blue boy: Uh...hello? Gramma: FURTHER. Community center, dance floor Gramma: (hangs up) Heh! That's better. Now you got some room for common decency. (leaves) Purple girl: Jace and I have never been this far apart before. I'M STARTING TO FORGET WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE! Nancy: Hmm... Snack table (Cricket approaches Bill, looking disheveled.) Bill: Oh, hey, son! Want a piece of broccoli? I put some ranch on it to jazz it up! Cricket: Thanks, Dad. (takes it) I could really use the distraction from -- (The broccoli's top turns into Gabriella; he suddenly imagines himself in a white tuxedo.) Cricket: (seductively) Gabriella... Gabriella: (wearing a white dress) Are you ready for another wedding? (They are having a wedding on the beach.) Cricket: Ooh, I love gettin' married every day! Audience: KISS THE BRIDE! KISS THE BRIDE! (They lean in to kiss; suddenly we hear straining.) Cricket: Hmm? Audience: KISS THE BRIDE! KISS THE BRIDE! (continues under) (Shows another Cricket in the bleachers tied up.) Cricket: Wha? AGH! Other Cricket: AHHHHHH!!! Cricket: AHHHHHH!!! (The wedding explodes; fantasy ends.) Cricket: (gasps; throws the broccoli down) No! Hallway (Cricket hurries through the dark hall; he suddenly imagines himself and Gabriella on a picnic surrounded by butterflies.) Cricket (VO): Flash. (Fantasy fades.) Cricket: I just need to -- (Another fantasy; he feeding Gabriella some grapes wearing Greek attire and in a living room surrounded by roses.) Cricket (VO): Flash. (Fantasy fades.) Cricket: GAH! Pull yourself together! (Another fantasy: He and Gabriella lean in to kiss while surrounded by a heart border of flowers.) Cricket (VO): Flash. (Fantasy fades.) Cricket: (strains; faints) Swimming pool (He falls through the doors to the pool, which open.) Cricket: Huh...? (sees the pool) Yes! The cold water will help clear my head. Gymnasium, near the bleachers Tilly: (pops out of a batch of heart balloons and snickers) Cupid's blessing means my last arrow is sure to work. (She scans the couples.) Tilly (OS): Whoever I hit will fall in love with the first person they see. (sees a blue-skinned gentleman and gasps) Hello, good sir! (back to her) Today is your lucky. Oh, Cupid! Shine your love on this miserable creature! (She fires the arrow.) Tilly: Amen, Hallelujah. Gentleman: Oh, a penny! My lucky day! (He bends down for the arrow to miss him and bounce off the punch bowl instead. It then bounces off the heart disco ball and comes right toward Tilly.) Tilly: Guh...? (she is hit) AH! Oh...ohhhh...struck by my own arrow...! (hits something) Oof! Excuse me, sir, I -- (Reveals she bumped into a punching bag man; she looks up at it with hearts in her eyes.) Tilly: Well, hello... Swimming pool (Cricket is out of his suit and swimming in a floating ring.) Cricket: Ah...this is the right idea. (closes eyes) Ain't no love gonna find me here. Gabriella (OS): Uh...hey. (He opens his eyes and sees Gabriella before him.) Gabriella: What are you doing in the pool? Cricket: (splashing in a panic) AH! GABRIELLA! (pants) AH! (falls through the ring hole; comes up, weakly) Uh...hey, Gabriella. Gabriella: I've been looking for you everywhere. You never answered my question. Do you wanna dance with me? Cricket: (thinking, thoughts merge) Do I wanna dance with Gabriella? What kinda question is that? Gabriella is pretty... (stutters) Gabriella: Uh...did you even hear me? Cricket: (splashes rapidly) AAAAAAGH!!! Gabriella: Hey! What's the big idea?! (She sees he left; Cricket runs out into the hall.) Gabriella: Uh... (Door closes.) Cricket: I'LL NEVER MAKE IT THROUGH THIS DANCE WITHOUT FALLIN' IN LOVE! I GOTTA GET THE GUYS AND GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE!! Gymnasium, cafe area (Tilly is flirting with the punching bag man much to the uneasy reactions to those around her.) Tilly: You're so firm, and yet, you're so soft. (squishes her hand in) That's good, I like a sensitive man. Drink it in, people! This is what love looks like! Gramma: (passes by) That's right! Ten feet apart! Huh? (The blue boy she told her to leave has somehow come back.) Purple girl: Jace! Blue boy (Jace): Kareen! Purple girl (Kareen): I thought I'd never see you again! (Turns out Nancy helped her back.) Gramma: What do you think you're doin', Nancy?!? I separated those two for their own good! Nancy: Oh, please. They just havin' fun. Gramma: Oooooh...I knew this place would burn to the ground with you in charge! Nancy: Y'know...I'm getting the feeling this whole thing isn't really about chaperoning. Why do you have such a problem with me, Alice? Gramma: Yer bad news! Playin' it simple, you're stubborn, you do whatever you want, and you never listen to anyone but yourself! Nancy: Ha! Yup, that does sound like me. But it also sounds just...like...YOU. Maybe we're more similar than either one of us would care to admit. Gramma: Sweet corned beans! I never saw it that way. Well played, Nancy! Well played. Near entrance (Cricket bursts into the gym.) Cricket: GUYS! Guys, we gotta get outta here and -- huh? (Shows Weezie and Benny are dancing with Gabriella's girlfriends.) Cricket: Uh-wha-wha-wha...what?! Is?! HAPPENING?! It's worse than I thought! Love is everywhere! I gotta save me and my friends! But how? (a drop of water hits him) Huh? (He looks up to see the sprinkler leaking from the ceiling.) Cricket (OS): The sprinklers? (sees the emergency sprinkler valve) That's it! (back to him) I will cleanse this dance with love by drowning it with water! Community Sue: SHAKE THOSE YAMS, PEOPLE! NOW DO SOME SQUATS! (with guests) SQUAT! SQUAT! (raising sunglasses) What the...? Guests: SQUAT! SQUAT! SQUAT! (She sees Cricket about to turn the valve.) Cricket: Time to end this love fest once and for all! Community Sue: (gasps in horror) CHAPERONES! STOP THAT KID! Nancy: Whaddya say, partner? Gramma: Let's chaperone! (They slap hands heroically; Cricket stands before the valve, ready to turn it.) Gramma: GET AWAY FROM THAT, BOY! (She and Nancy plow him to the ground.) Cricket: Gramma?! Mom?! Nancy: Why are you tryin' to ruin the dance, sug?! Cricket: I've gotta...save me and my friends...from LOVE! Nancy: What are ya talkin' about?! Cricket: Love messes up your life! (sees Tilly dancing with the punching bag man) It makes ya act all silly and weird! (at Gloria still waiting for her date) And love makes ya sad, so very, very, very sad. (back to him) Love takes and takes until you don't have anything left! It's a horrible, emotional... (manages to push Nancy and Gramma away) ROLLERCOASTER! (runs and grabs the valve) And I don't want no ticket! Nancy: Whoa, whoa! Just hold on a second, Cricket. Love doesn't take things away from you, it can give you something really special, like a person who understands you. Gramma: But you'll never know unless you give someone a chance. Sometimes, ya might have more in common than you thought. Nancy: Wow, Alice. That's...real sweet of you to say. Gramma: Don't read into it too much. Cricket: Love doesn't take, it...gives? (takes hands off the valve and sighs) Excuse me, I gotta go find someone. Dance floor (He manages to find Gabriella and gets her attention.) Cricket: Gabriella! I have seen the light! I thought love was an evil thing, but I see now that it's not about gushy-mushy stuff, it's about creating a partnership with someone who understands you. And we understand each other. So Gabriella, I'm finally ready to accept our love! Gabriella: "Love"? Dude, I don't love you. I don't even know your name. Cricket: I-It's Cricket. Gabriella: Yeah, well...you were being super-weird about wanting to dance, so I ended up just asking your friend. (Reveals Remy next to her, who waves.) Cricket: (completely dumbstruck) WHA-HUH?!? Remy: Hey, Cricket! Sorry, I know, I broke the "boys forever" rule. But Gabriella's really cool! Like, I couldn't say no! And...you didn't wanna dance with her anyway, right? Cricket: Dance with her? (chuckles, feigning annoyance) Psssh! No way! Love's gross, and...nothing will ever change that! Have fun with your cooties! (He leaves them; they just shrug and dance.) Remy, Gabriella: Yeah! (laugh) Bleachers (He sadly sits next to a downtrodden Gloria.) Cricket: Kevin never showed? Gloria: Yup. Best friend's dancing with the girl of your dreams? Cricket: Eeyup. (They look at each other.) Cricket: Wanna boogie it out? (holds hand out) Gloria: Ugh...come on. (takes it and drags him to the floor) Cricket: Whoa! (suddenly smiles) Snack table Bill (sighs) Looks like it's just you and me tonight, broccoli. Nancy: Hmm...ranch. (dips some broccoli in the dressing and eats it) Mmm...zesty. Bill: Heh-heh...yeah. That's ranch for ya. Nancy: (holds out hand) Hey, wanna dance? Bill: (giggles and takes it) Yeah! (Nancy pulls him) WHOA! Dance floor (All the guests dance happily with their respective couples and cheer; Gramma suddenly pushes Tilly and the punching bag apart.) Gramma: Two feet apart, people! Keep it two feet apart! Category:Episode Transcript Category:Season 1 Transcripts Category:A-Z